So, I've set my legs on cycling to Dublin and back in June; a summer which will be full of bright, sunny, warm days and long, blissful evenings.
The only downside to this is having to do my training and get the miles in the legs during winter.
Winters blues and pinks.
This winter in the UK has been one of the coldest since records began. An arctic spell of weather in December left nearly 2 feet of snow, temperatures down to minus 18C and a paralysis of anything remotely connected with transportation. Since the turn of the year the temperature has 'warmed up' and has been around 3C or even up to the balmy heights of 7c.
But not yesterday.
The overnight thermometer dipped to a reading of minus 8c. Despite this, I awoke with the intention of going out for a training ride - a routine spin for an hour or so around the lovely villages of Worcestershire.
Children safely off to school and with time to get a decent ride in, I changed into 'winter cycling' apparel;
Helmet with cycling beanie underneath
Sunglasses - for 'twas a bright, sunny day
Sleeveless cycling gillet, long sleeved winter jersey, cycling jacket
Long fingered winter cycling gloves
Winter cycling socks with under socks
....and of course
a pair of cycling shorts (in bottom hugging Lycra) and thermal tights (Helly Hansen, which have been to the summit of Kilimanjaro).
Job done. Toasty warm and ready to face the elements.
What's that over there...aha, it's a brass monkey!
I should suspected something was not right when, after 2 minutes on the road, I turned back and rode home, teeth shivering, cheeks freezing and breath turning into ice crystals.
I hadn't given up - I'm tough me...either that or immensely stubborn and not a little stupid.
I collected my 'buff'; an all purpose piece of expensive cloth that can fashion as a headband, neck warmer, bandanna etc. I used it to cover my chin, mouth, cheeks and nose. Now I was ready.
Off I went.
Let me digress for a moment.
Sunday night viewing on BBC2 is a liberal dose of 'man telly'. Top Gear and it's petrol soaked presenters. 50 years old, going on 5. Motoring - fast cars, silly challenges and taking the mickey out of anyone not English. This week it was the Australians. Harmless stuff and entertaining for an hour.
Following Top Gear at 9pm we have 'Arctic - with Bruce Parry'. Bruce Parry, a man who has lived with the most remote and isolated tribes in the world, survived hallucinogenic initiation ceremonies that left him in an intoxicated trance for 3 days etc etc. The guy is made of strong stuff.
This series he is spending time with the remote communities living north of the Arctic circle in Canada, Greenland, Siberia etc. It's enlightening and considering the location, extremely warm! Where's the chilly, frostbitten faces peering out of reindeer skin Parkas in minus 40C...oh, I see, this is during the Arctic summer...24 hour daylight and the midnight sun. He hasn't looked cold once.
Back to my ill-fated training ride.
I fear Mr Bruce Parry would have winced and then balked at the idea of cycling for an hour in the cold conditions I faced yesterday.
It was probably around 0C when I left at about 9:45am. However, although perceptible, the cold didn't penetrate through the layers and my exertions were warming me nicely.
Unfortunately at about mid point I began to notice a mild, stinging pain emanating from one particular region of my body.
Man Bits
There are many expressions to cover which part was hurting. Let me run through a few. (Apologies in advance)
Willy, cock , knob, John Thomas, little man, trouser snake, dick, wanger, schlong, penis (too clinical) and my favourite from Indonesia - 'burung kecil' or 'little bird'.
Forgive my coarse language.
Yes, it was hurting. Just a mild stinging at first, then an increasingly painful stabbing, stinging, burning sensation. Too painful to ignore. Usually my mind is occupied with pain coming from my backside due to saddle sores...but none of that this time. Comfortable, like riding sat on a pillow. But the pain from John Thomas was excruciating.
What the blazes was this? A quick run through of possible causes of such pain in said area...
1. Caught in a zip. No.
2. Scolded by a very hot shower. No.
3. Excessive personal pleasuring. No. (Honest).
4. Syphilis. No. (How very dare you suggest such a thing!)
5. Frost nip / frost bite.....could be...oh, no.
Regrettably, the insulating qualities of my thermal leggings are best experienced when used as a base layer, UNDER other layers of clothing (as on Kilimanjaro).
As for the thermal properties of Lycra...well. you'd be better off taking a 2 ply roll of toilet paper and wrapping it around to create a soft, strong, but not very warm pair of Andrex shorts.
I was experiencing a loss of blood to my little bird. He was freezing...literally. You may be laughing right now, but I wasn't. It was pain that I haven't felt since I was at school and had to take part in our weekly Sunday parade (it was a military school), playing the euphonium in the band, in 3C, without gloves. Sitting in the chapel after parade, the blood slowly flowed back into my fingers and I cried through the hymns and gently sobbed through the sermon.
I was in a dilemma.
I had to keep going, to get home and get warm. In the meantime, I was trying to think of how I could alleviate the pain.
The options were limited;
1. Stop, get off and rub it.
What would you think if you were driving and saw a cyclist at the side of the road, with his hand inside his shorts, rubbing furiously? It wouldn't be long until the Boys in Blue were enquiring 'Is this your bike Sir? and 'Could you please explain why you were 'choking the chicken'...down the station please....oh, and 'come quietly'. Ha ha ha...cue music to 'The Laughing Policeman'.
2. Keep cycling and get blood flowing back - 'Think sexy thoughts!'
It's freezing, wind chill sub zero, juggernauts thundering past, I'm in agony and you want me to conjure up a mental image of something titillating and sexy? You are having a laugh.
In the end, I made it home. My lovely wife Rini asked happily 'Are you OK?', expecting a cheery 'Yes, I'm fine thanks'. When I said 'no'...she thought I'd fallen off the bike or had a set to with a lorry driver.
On discovering the truth, her expression was one of bemusement, genuine concern and concealed hilarity.
Thankfully, full feeling resumed after a hot, if painful, shower and, so far, no evidence of frostbite has been observed. Well it hasn't turned black and dropped off...but it's early days yet.
So, I would seriously caution anyone thinking of cycling in freezing cold weather. Don't worry about black ice, freezing fog, or sleet and snow.
Make sure you do what cyclists the world over do in such situations.
Either stuff the Sunday Times down your shorts (newspaper has excellent insulating properties) or stay at home, put the kettle and spare a thought for the 'numb nuts' who decided it was a lovely day for a ride.
