The Lure of the Malverns

I am a simple man. I profess to understanding and liking technology, gadgets and gizmos; but when it comes down to it I am better suited to simple things. As the great bard of Levenshulme put it so succinctly;

'I am a man of means, of slender means. Each household appliance, is like a new science in my town'. (Lyrics by Morrissey...from Nowhere Fast, The Smiths)

Yes, this week I have been confounded by a camera whose LCD screen went blank, an external hard drive that broke on me, a mobile phone that has the most useless software in the world (not naming names, but the company responsible has 25% of all exports from Finland...begins with 'N'...ends in 'Okia'), CD's that refuse to be ripped to the computer and a Sky Box that refuses to show anything other than Fireman Sam and Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom (though I suspect that is something to do with Louisa and not the fault of Sky).

Spleen vented, frustrations dissipated, products returned to Comet (nearly on first name terms with the staff the times I've been back to them and greeted them with the immortal words..'Hello, I bought this a few weeks ago and...'). It has now dawned on me that far be it for me to become Mr iTony of iStreet, owner of lots of iThings, it is best I return to the days of my youth when technology was a Casio calculator that could do Sine, Cosine and Tangent and the cassette Walkman was de rigeur....the gentle his of the tapes leaking from the ear pieces and the clunk, clunk, smack of taking the tape out and turning it over before pressing play once more. Happy days.

So, what is simple?

Riding a bicycle. Yes, the technology employed in bike design, aerodynamics, materials, weight reduction, body positioning, heart rate monitoring, diet and nutrition etc etc is impressive. Want a top of the range Team Sky Pinarello Road racing Bike (see picture...I wish it were my bike, but it isn't) as ridden by Bradley Wiggins in the Tour de France this year?.....That'll be £12,000 please. Here's your free water bottle Sir.

But the principle of riding a bike remains unchanged. Sit on it, push with one pedal, then the next to create a momentum, so that you move forward and do not therefore fall off. Simple. That's what I like. Simple things. Turn the pedals and see where you end up. Me, I've ended up in Liverpool, London and Cardiff - all by the simple action of turning the pedals. Hills, wind, rain, age, fatigue, potholes, cars, dogs and other annoyances all do their best to slow you down, but the steady rotation of the pedals will eventually lead you to somewhere new, different, exciting and interesting.

New Challenges

In preparation for my 410 mile / 650 km cycle charity ride to Dublin and back in June next year, I will be taking on the Malvern Hills Biathlon Challenge in November. It sounds grand, a huge organised events drawing the professionals and amateurs from all over the world. However, it is just me, with my ever faithful passepartout, Simon, to help me.

The challenge is to complete a timed course which starts at Worcester Cathedral. I cycle 17 miles to the southernmost point of the Malvern Hills, hike the length of the Malverns (8 miles, but very steep in places and lots of climbs), before picking up my bike at the north end (couriered by Simon) and finishing after another 8 mile cycle ride at the Cathedral.

Cycling through glorious Worcestershire country villages and stunning scenery; hiking the length of an area of outstanding natural beauty with unspoilt views across to Wales, the Bristol Channel, the Cotswolds and Birmingham (well, a little bit spoilt) and home in time for the elixir of tea and a nice bath. Simple.

The challenge will be timed and people are sponsoring me £1 a guess to decide how quickly (or slowly) I will complete the challenge. The closest to the actual time will receive a prize (they have to go to the top of Worcestershire Beacon, the highest point of the Malverns to collect it though). Currently, I have a lot of people weighing up various factors and trying to calculate the time. Distance to cycle, walking distance, age, size of thigh and calves, knee operation last year, but climbed Kilimanjaro with torn knee cartilage etc etc. Never have my legs been so much in the spotlight.

All proceeds will go towards the fundraising total for SCOPE and the excellent work they do to support people with cerebral palsy, including my daughter Milla.

So, there, in a nutshell, is the antidote to our hi-tech modern world where everything has to be USB connected, wi-fi ready and Bluetooth enabled.

I don't need iThis and iThat, I don't need to be permanently plugged in and broadband fast. All I need is a bike, fresh air, country roads, the occasional hill, a good and rewarding hike and a nice cup of tea. All of that I could have done quite happily 100 years ago.

To quote everyone's favourite Meerkat...'Simples'. (squeak).

Tony.