Friday 26th November 2010...Malvern Hills Biathlon Challenge
...and so my big day had arrived. I'd been getting ready for this for some weeks now. I was excited, keen to get going and eager to test myself. Little did I know how tough it was going to be....
I woke up at 5:30am and fortified myself against the impending freezing cold of the coming day with a mug of tea and a bowl of porridge. For some reason, I had ended up deciding that today would be the day I set off to attempt the Malvern Hills Biathlon Challenge. The details of which were:
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Worcester Cathedral - Bromsberrow (17 miles cycling to south end of the Malvern Hills)
Bromsberrow - Malvern Link (8 miles hiking end to end Malvern Hills)
Malvern Link - Worcester Cathedral (8 miles hiking)
Total Number of Entrants: 1
Total Number of Support and Organisation Staff: 1
Total Number of Finishers: 1
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Not the biggest field ever assembled, but I was guaranteed to finish first (unless I failed to complete the challenge).
I was supported, as always, by Simon Whitton, my best friend spanning over 30 years. Simon is a man of many wonderful attributes, one of which is a tremendous capacity to be patient whilst waiting for me to drag my weary backside over hills, mountains and many a mile on foot or bike. He passes the time frequenting the charity / book / map shops of whichever region we happen to be in. But he is ever present, ready with a supportive word, a puerile joke and a cup of something warm to keep me going.
Simon had arrived the previous evening from Cardiff bearing a 2 litre plastic carton of goats milk. Not your normal gift, but there you are...actually the poor chap has a dairy intolerance and has to now forego butter, cream, cheese, cow's milk, cake, biscuits...I swear he is getting thinner by the day.
I'm waffling a touch...on with the day;
I left the house at 6:45am to cycle to the cathedral...the traditional start and end point of my challenges. As soon as I left and cycled down the hill, I realised it was not going to be a pleasant ride that morning.
The air temperature was a refreshing (!) -3 degrees Celsius...that's MINUS not 'dash' THREE Celsius. Add the wind chill factor and we were talking minus 7 C. Almost immediately I put on an extra jacket and wrapped a scarf around my face.
I enjoy cycling in Lycra shorts, feeling the wind whistle between your legs. Not today, On top of the shorts were thermal leggings and I had on 4 top layers, 2 pairs of gloves and 2 pairs of socks, thermal hat and helmet.
It was so cold. The coldest conditions I had ever faced on a bicycle.
I reached the cathedral and commandeered a passing council bin man to take my picture, before pressing start on my stop watch and heading off across glorious Worcestershire, through the villages of Callow End, Hanley Swan and across Castlemorton Common to the south end of the Malverns.
It was bitter, but I was well insulated, except for two regions...my toes and, how do I put this delicately, my little man, John Thomas, my trouser snake.
"Bloody hell my toes are like ice....and why the heck didn't I wear that Willy Warmer?"
I stopped for a few pictures of the beautiful autumnal sunrise, though the rising sun didn't really raise the temperature, but it helped raise my spirits.
Eventually I found the start point of the walk along the Malverns, a quaint hamlet called Bromsberrow. But where was Simon? No sign of the old boy. 5 minutes went by, then 10, then 15. He must have been taking a bit too long over his weetabix and goats milk. No answer on his phone......I was really freezing now that I had stopped pedalling. Then I got him on the phone and he was a minute away.
Now for the real test. I can cycle all day, I like the fact that the climbs are rewarded with descents and flat roads you can rest and recover on. Hill walking is different. The climbs hurt, but so do the descents - particularly if they are steep; your toes kick the end of your boots, your knees jar and you trip and stumble over rocks, roots and dead sheep.
The Hills Are Alive....
Off we go then. 8 miles up and down, up and down and repeat. The first hill was a gentle introduction to the second - a real steep beast of a hill. Ragged Stone Hill. I ploughed on feeling remarkably hot with the effort of climbing steep gradients and then descended off Midsummer (oh, the irony with the nut numbing cold of the air) Hill....and promptly got lost.
How can you get lost when all the Malverns are, are a saw tooth ridge of prominent hills? But I did. Into a dark forest, no signposts or indications where I was. The map I had was useless; or maybe it was me. I trudged along forest tracks, many of which were flooded and frozen solid. I even lost sight of those bloody great big hills I was supposed to be walking along.
I had a vague feeling I was going in the correct direction, but there was a sense of something eerie in the forest. I was afraid the Hillbillies of Malvern were tracking me and waiting to jump out and ambush me, in a homage to that superb 1970's adventure thriller 'Deliverance' -with Burt Reynolds, John Voight and Ned Beatty. If you are unfamiliar with the film, it is infamous for the scene in which Ned Beatty (a large, chubby American actor) is taken hostage, made to remove his clothes and is assaulted by a particularly unpleasant Hill Billy (and I don't think he had washed that morning either).
"You got pretty little ears boy, you take off them clothes, I gonna ride you like a pig.....SQUEAL PIGGY, LOUDER BOY"....The first time I saw this film I thought, "Bugger me!"....
I quickened my steps as I could see and smell wood smoke nearby and closed my sphincter tightly in anticipation of being told to 'Squeal like a piggy...louder boy'.
For this reason I now scrambled up a very steep slope and found my way back on to the main path along the ridge. There was a party of teenagers on a school trip inspecting the Clutters Cave (not a euphemism - thankfully); a cave close by the Roman settlement of British Camp; my lunch rendezvous location. They all politely bade me Good Morning and cleared the path for a slightly wild-eyed and dishevelled lone hiker, puffing and panting with over exertion, who had emerged from below the ridge and out of the forest. No wonder they looked worried.
Lunch. British Camp car park.
A few hastily made sandwiches, a mug of coffee and the second Mars Bar of the day. It was nice and warm sitting in Simon's car and I could easily have closed my eyes and gone to sleep; except for the fact that I was against the clock, people had sponsored me to do this and day light would be disappearing in a few hours time. Better crack on. Out into the Arctic winds of Worcestershire once more.
It had barely gone above freezing the whole day and the bright blue sky and beautiful sunshine of the morning had evaporated to a low cloud which spat a few flakes of snow at me as I set off on a very familiar stretch of the Malverns. I had walked this section many times, but this time there was one huge difference. My speed.
I was going so slowly up the steep inclines. Hills I would normally skip merrily up and down were agony. I was overtaken by a couple in their 60's, wearing matching red Kagools, soft shoes and the fixed grins of the hard core rambler. I shuffled along, pausing for breath every few steps...I don't remember being this exhausted on Kilimanjaro.
Maybe my slowness was due to the early start, cold weather and low energy reserves (mars bars and cheese sandwiches cannot sustain an endurance athlete).It could also have been down the painful knee I was nursing after stupidly falling off my bike two days before the challenge.
Two nasty grazes on my right knee and a spot of bruising to the knee and hip. Maybe it was just age, but my knee was starting to whinge and moan, just like other bits had done on the cycle ride that morning.
I reached Worcestershire Beacon, the highest point on the Malverns and began the descent to North Quarry car park at the north end of the Malverns where I would again meet Simon and pick up my bike for the return ride home. It was a fairly uneventful descent, despite a couple of slips on the icy paths. I was relieved to see the clock tower on West Malvern Road and ready to get on the bike and get home. By now, every bit of me was sore and my sense of humour had been left somewhere in the Hill Billy forest.
A quick cup of tea and some dextrose energy tablets, a change of clothing and footwear and I was off on the 30 minute ride back to Worcester. Of course, there was a sting in the tail...or rather the face. Coming out of Malvern you shoot down the A449 past the fire station and through Malvern Link for a good 2 miles, reaching speeds of over 30 mph (and therefore breaking the speed limit - on a bike!!), before the road flattens out.
Combine 30+ mph and sub zero temperatures and you get a stinging, eye-watering, painful, frostbite causing windchill. I thought I had been cold, but nothing compared to that descent. I fixed my scarf around my nose, mouth and neck, adjusted my sunglasses, pulled the hat and helmet down tight and created a reasonable impression of a 'two-wheeled terrorist' (with backpack) as I sped down through and out of Malvern.
30 minutes later I was exchanging pleasantries with the traffic of Worcester and leap frogging the 'school run jams' to arrive safe, cold, exhausted and hungry at the cathedral. For the third time that day I waited for Simon and the ubiquitous photos that mark the end of another successful challenge.
It took slightly longer than I had expected. 7 hours 31 minutes. But factor in the cold, the terrain, age, injuries etc I did it in a reasonable time. I was satisfied with my achievement and of course, very happy that I had again been able to complete a challenge and raise vital money for SCOPE.
As I collapsed at home with a warming cup of tea and a hug from Rini, Louisa and Milla (Louisa said 'Well done Daddy for cycling') my thoughts turned to June next year and the daunting prospect of my next challenge - Worcester to Dublin and back by bike.
I am sure that after that challenge, just like at the end of the Malvern Hills Biathlon I will be in a similar state to Ned Beatty in Deliverance. Buggered.
If you can sponsor me and help SCOPE continue their excellent work in help people with cerebral palsy, please click the link below. Thank you.
To see pictures of the challenge click the link below
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