Dog Gone Damned Dogs

Dogs, mans' best friend, maybe. Cyclists worst enemy, definitely.

What is it about a bicycle that brings out the aggressive or curious instinct in our four-legged friends?

It's not that a cyclist on a bike vaguely resembles any breed of dog known to man (though possibly one or two mutated breeds on show at Crufts could bear a passing resemblance). Is it the sight of a fast moving object, whizzing towards a dog, that triggers the instinct to chase, attack, bite, kill?

I feel that dogs are just jealous. They can't ride a bike - their paws wouldn't reach the pedals and they are useless at ringing the bell - and this is a source of frustration and anger. This is coupled with the fact that a bicycle has an instant connection in the canine psyche; an association with postmen.

I suppose if I look at it from a culinary point of view, a shapely calf and ankle could be mistaken for a juicy, meaty bone.

Whatever way you look at dogs, you can't help but be wary of them as you cycle past them.

A while ago I was savagely bitten on the knees and ankles by a stupid, young, aggressive mutt with sharp teeth and not the sharpest of brains. The owner casually, evidently not the sharpest of brains either, sauntered after his pet and despite my painful protests, failed to drag the dog off my legs before I received one or two more nips. No apology. The next time I encountered the same dog + owner he had put a lead on it, but it was still straining to have another munch.

I won't repeat the expletive filled response I used after I had escaped the clutches of the Beast of St. Peter's.

Since then, I have been very aware of the stupidity of dogs. Those that don't attack you decide that diving under your front wheel at the last second is a good game or follow you barking wildly.

More than that, I have become tuned into the stupidity of the owners. They come into a number of categories;

1. Couldn't-give-a-toss Owners. You know the ones. Dogs as weapons, off the leash, great big mastiffs with drooling rabid mouths. These owners would far less pick up a doggie poo and put it in the dog bin, than smear your face with it. If I see one of them, I usually turn around and cycle the other way.

2. Oh-oops-sorry -about-that Owners. Terribly sorry, didn't see Randy mount your leg as you cycled by and begin to copulate with your ankles. I think I have a tissue here, somewhere. Randy, do leave the poor chap alone. Come to Mumsie, I've got a ickle biccie-wiccie for you.
Enough said.

3. What's-your-problem? Owners. Excuse me, you do realise this is a cycle path and that if I ring my bell it is an audible warning for you and your mangy hound to GET OUT OF MY WAY BEFORE I RUN YOU DOWN, YOU MUPPET!!!!. 'Yeah', they reply, 'we was 'ere first. Your problem, not mine.'

4. Considerate-lovely-people Owners. How wonderful it is when you ring your bell and the owner runs faster than Usain Bolt with a tailwind and dives headfirst into a quagmire to grab hold of their dog, just so they can avoid any type of accident, disaster or confrontation. They even look up as you pass and say 'Ooh sorry about that'.

Dogs. Either keep them on a lead if you are on a cycle path or don't be surprised if they end up in a Korean restaurant on a plate next to the Kim Chi.

Here endeth the lesson.

Blog you later Fro Fo's

Tony